:: The Double T Identity ::

:: Friday, June 20, 2003 ::

well folks, I am leaving the Blogger family. I have found a better place to post journal entries. My new journal site is at this address.
http://www.upsaid.com/thompson11285/
Feel free to stop in and take a look around. I will keep the blogger site open, but I dont plan to post here anymore. It's been fun, but in the end I have to go where there are more features. Take care
:: Tommy 4:10 AM [+] ::
...

Song of the day: “Your own disaster” – taking back Sunday
“Just think of this and me
as just a few of the many things to lie around,
to clutter up your shelves.

And i wish you weren't worth the wait
cause there's some things i'd like to say to you.
And i don't think that you know what you've been missing.
Cause i don't think that you know what you've been missing.

And i dare you to forget the marks you left across my neck
from those nights when we were both found at our best.
Now i could make this obvious, and you
You could deny me all in one breath
You could shrug me off your shoulders.

And i don't think that you know what you've been missing.
Cause i don't think that you know what you've been missing.
And i don't think that you know, said i dont think that you know,
Said i don't think that you know what you've been missing.

Hey lush, have fun.
It's the weekend.

(And i don't think that you know what you've been missing.
No, i don't think that you know what you've been missing.
Oh, i don't think that you know what you've been missing.
No i don't think that you know what you've been missing.)

Just forget me.
It's that simple.”



I have had these funny thoughts running through my head since the accident. Ill be slowing down at a light and hear someone’s brakes squeak and Ill remember that I need to get my brakes fixed… then realize that my deceased car had the bad brakes, and that the new one doesn’t have that problem. Or Ill be washing my car and Ill get to the back bumper, where the yellow paint chip was on the other mustang, and realize that no longer do I have to worry about getting a paint chip touched up, as my new car has a virgin back bumper. Or Ill be getting something out of the back seat and Ill remember that I have to get the chocolate stain out that my brother left, then realize that my new car’s seats are clean, unlike my old car’s.
I haven’t really said anything about any of this, just because it seems trivial. All of those thoughts were fresh on my mind back when I had the Rustang, because they were things that I thought about on a daily occasion. And it would seem normal to still think that when I am met with such memories because the accident still seems so recent to me. It wasn’t until yesterday that I found a parallel to it, and a horrible parallel at that.
2 nights ago my dad’s best friend’ daughter’s boyfriend of 2 years was out driving on Stacey road. He left a stop sign in his car and floored it to see how fast he could get it up to. He hit a sharp S-turn on the road, lost control at a high speed and ran into a truck in the opposing lane. He was killed instantly.
His girlfriend, once again the daughter of my dad’s best friend, loved him dearly. They had been dating for 2 years. He had just graduated from school and was going off to face the world. My dad’s best friend, Pete Karigan, thought of this kid as a son. His parents had kicked the kid out of their home because they were horrible excuses for people. The kid came to live, more or less, with the Karigan family and Pete and his wife treated him like a son. For Christmas they took him out to buy some clothes and some school stuff. He spent more time at the Karigan family than anywhere else. He even bought Pete a father’s day card that he gave to him last Sunday, 24 hours before his demise.
The point of my previous ramble is that I cant even imagine what the Karigan family is feeling right now. I can barely leave my house without thinking about something related to my old car; something I needed to do to fix it or something like that. Imagine having lost someone you love. Think about how you go through you go through your life. Pick the one person that means the most to you and them try to erase them from your life… What are you left with? I doubt that there are many things that you can do without producing a stray thought like that about that one person.
Imagine having that haunt you for the rest of your life. Just imagine.
And in the end all of it, the lost life, the pain from the family, all of it was caused because of some reckless driving. Had he just slowed down he would still be here. Think of that.
My wishes for better times go out to the Karigan family. I know that I can’t make it 20 min without thinking about my Rustang, so I cant even begin to imagine the angst and pain that the family has having to go about losing a member. May god be with you.

:: Tommy 12:06 AM [+] ::
...

Song of the day: "Times like these" -foo fighters
"I, I'm a one-way motorway,
I'm the road that drives away, and follows you back home,
I, I’m a streetlight shining,
I’m a white light blinding bright, burning off and on,

It’s times like these you learn to live again
It’s times like these you give and give again
It’s times like these you learn to love again
It’s times like these time and time again

I, I’m a new day rising
I’m a brand new sky that hangs stars upon tonight
I, I’m a little divided
Do I stay or run away and leave it all behind"

Yesterday I went climbing in the Wichita’s and I had “a moment”. Before I explain that somewhat odd statement let me first set the stage. Chetan and I left early yesterday and took the trip up to Oklahoma to rock climb. Our plans were to get there around noon, set up camp, and spend the rest of the day climbing. Then camp there that night, climb the next day, and come home that night. To those of you who don’t know, I spent a substantial amount of money on climbing equipment a while back. I have over 100 feet of climber’s webbing, 60 meters of climbing rope, quick draws for lead climbing, 2 books, and a lot of small stuff.
To those of you who don’t climb that translates into a lot of climbing equipment. The thing is that I bought it and then was hit by the realization that this rope is going to hold my life. I read my climbing books cover to cover to learn how to climb safely, but in the end it all comes down to the stuff you use when you climb, and to me that is crazy.
I have done some stupid things in my life. I have been thrown from a moving vehicle. I have climbed out of a second story house, up the side and across the roof of a house in Mexico. I have almost fallen to my death while climbing on stuff at a deserted island with a friend of mine. But to tell you the truth none of it has ever REALLY scared me in the end.
When I climb at exposure I rarely use a harness. I know my limits and I know where to stop pushing myself. And if the situation every gets bad, the floor is padded so that at worst I might get the wind knocked out of me. And the only time I have been climbing outdoors was at the hands of a trained guide. Outdoor climbing generally is harder than indoor climbing. This is because there is no padded blue floor when you fall; And while you are securely anchored in, the fact still remains that 2 or 3 pieces of inch wide webbing are the only things standing between you and god. When I went with the guide I had the reassurance that she was a trained expert with years of experience, and the thought never hit home that there could be some way I might plummet to my death.
The only time that I have had to set up my own gear and what not was when we went to mineral wells to climb. And even though a fall there would be catastrophic, it wasn’t nearly as high as where we went this time. I knew of the inherent danger of what we were doing then, but it just didn’t seem that high.
But this time was different. This time was amazing.
When we got to the place that we wanted to climb I got out and set up the gear. I tied three anchors around a few boulders. And then brought them all down to a single meeting point. The three pieces of webbing were then joined at a set of karabiners, and this became our top rope setup. Then I took the rope that we would use to climb with, fed it through the karabiners to its mid point and tossed the rest of it over the cliff so that the ends would fall where Chetan was at the ground. I triple checked the anchor points to make sure they were foolproof, and then it was time.
Once you set up gear you have to repel down to where your partner is to climb. This is where I got the single biggest adrenaline rush I have ever had, bar none. To repel down you clip the rope into your belay/ repel device, and then you lower yourself using this setup.
Like I said, not much scares me. I am not afraid of heights, of the dark, of the unknown, of water, or of closed spaces. My phobia list is pretty much clean. But yesterday as I leaned back over that cliff to repel down something hit me. I was taking my life into my own hands. I was risking everything I had. I was putting everything on the line. In short, I felt like I was alive.
You realize that theoretically you are fine. Each piece of webbing is strong enough to support 5000 pounds. The karabiners are strong enough to withstand a 24 KN fall. The knots that you used to tie the anchors will only get tighter as weight is applied to them. In all sense you are as safe as can be. But you can’t let out that feeling of helplessness. You can’t push out of your mind that you are about 80 feet up off of the ground and hanging off of the side of a cliff.
The feel of fear and the realization that for once you are totally and completely responsible for what happens next is intoxicating. If you did everything right then you will be fine, but likewise if you did anything wrong you are dead. There is no gray area here; no room for error, it is all or nothing. And that is where you experience a feeling of being alive unparalleled by anything else you have ever felt. You are totally in control of your fate.
Then you lean back and watch your network of safety anchors stretch themselves taught, and you kick off and fall. Well, not really fall, but you might as well be. You lower yourself from the top at the speed you choose until you inevitably touch the bottom.
The day was great, we did some amazing climbs, but in the end nothing matched the high that I got when I first cast off. I can’t recall ever being more at peace with myself in my life, I can’t recall ever feeling so invigorated.
And as I sit here and think back on that moment I cant help but realize that this is what I have been craving this whole time. I feel dead sitting here typing on a computer, I felt dead this whole last year in the classroom. I feel like I am sitting still and that yesterday was the only time that I can truly remember where I stood on my own two feet. Not to sound like a spook, but I feel as if I have found what I need to work for in my life. I need to find something that lets me feel that great more often.
Lets see what I can do to gain control of my life again.

:: Tommy 2:27 AM [+] ::
...

Quote of the day: “The acknowledgement of our weakness is the first step towards repairing our loss.” – Thomas a Kempis


Well guys today was the day; Today my car was officially branded as being “totaled” and we purchased another car for me. As much as this seems like a joyous occasion I sit here tonight not quite sure how I should feel.
Today I went over to Middlekauff Ford to say goodbye to my baby and release it to the dealership. I arrived with a camera in hand, and a mission to find something that I could take from the car to pose as a reminder of my first love. It was right where I last saw it, at the back of a lot parked near another mustang that strikes a remarkable resemblance to the car I now own. I started taking pictures of the impact area, the front end, the buckled hood, the passenger side and whatnot. When I figured that I had enough snap shots of my baby I decided to crawl inside for one last sit, and I have to say that the experience ranks as the second most depressing thing I have ever done. The driver’s side door was un-openable; the wreck separated the door into a couple pieces and has made it impossible to enter the car any way but the passenger’s side. I got in the passenger’s seat and sat down and suddenly found myself more depressed than I can ever recall being.
One of the things that the female race always seems to underestimate is the strength and power that is encapsulated in the bond between man and car. To some people it is just a piece of metal, a tool, something to get you from point A to point B faster than our own two legs can. To me it was my first love.
It is the first car that I ever got to drive, the car that I learned how to drive standard in. It was the only thing that I could really count on to get along with me no matter what mood I was in. It was the only thing that knew my true feelings when I was at my worst, and the only thing that could match my elation when I was at my best. It was my left arm, my pet dog, my best friend, my girlfriend, and my true love all wrapped in one solid steel and fiberglass body. In short it was everything to me.
I remember when my parents first got it for me. After a week of driving my dad nuts looking for the perfect car they went out and bought my little black 98 mustang. They woke me up that Saturday with a set of keys in their hands and told me to go look at what was out front. To be absolutely honest, I wanted a camaro, but I was just as happy with my new baby. And after 6 months of dragging my ass I got my license and was legally allowed to drive it.
For a year and a half I drove that car. When I say that it was my everything I mean it. When I felt bad it made me happy. When I had a bad day at school it would always let me take my anger out on its tires and engine without even complaining. When I had an idle mind and 10 bucks for gas it was more than happy to go for a 50 mile run. In a year and a half my car saw me through 23,000 miles of therapeutic driving.
Somewhere along the line the car earned the nickname “Rustang”. As much as this seems like something that you would try to avoid, it was a name that I called it with pride. My Rustang clicked when it went over bumps, something that the mechanics could never figure out. It didn’t have a defroster on its back window, so when it iced over I would have to scrape the ice off the back window by hand. It didn’t have a cruise control, so the 5-hour trip to San Antonio that I made in it meant that I was driving every second of the way. And right when you needed it most the driver’s side window would stop working. All of these elements added up to a car that had character, a car that had a soul. All of it added up to make it the thing that meant the world to me, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
I remember back when I was getting over Kara. I felt so lost. My whole life seemed like it was waking away from me. Every night was like a death sentence because every night I would settle down and think back on what I had lost. And every night that I felt like shit I knew I could find consolation in my car. Doling me sanity in mile increments my car would assure me that everything was ok, and that there were other fish in the sea. We would dance up and down my favorite stretch of road for hours at a time, with each passing minute seeing my mood improve. My car and I made countless dashes up and down that road when I was lost in thought, lost in sadness, lost in the mess that my life had become. It seems that whenever I was regretting mistakes I had made with my life it was always sitting out front waiting for me, ready to make me feel better.
If one of my “Female related anxiety attacks” were to strike me in broad daylight my hands would turn to waxing my car as a form of therapy. I have all the right waxes let me tell you: Four kinds of turtle wax, Kit Carnauba wax, Maguire’s paste wax and a three-step polish system. My check card has been my means of purchase for over 100 shop towels, 2 gallons of armor-all 4 gallons of car wash detergent, a buffer, 6 sponges, 2 nozzles, tire shine, and a rather expensive chamois cloth. All of which were at my disposal when my car would get dirty or when I had some pent up aggression to burn, whichever came first.
You should have seen her when she was clean; she was hot enough to make a Porsche blush, at least in my mind. In my mind nothing is prettier than a black car with a wax job. And if any car could pull off the look it was my car, even if it was only for a few hours until pollen or bird crap would find its way to her hood. She would get so shiny that a girl could do her makeup in the reflection that it would provide. A true beauty in my mind.
My mustang saw me become an avid rock climber, never refusing to make the 15-mile trek to Exposure three to five times a week. She and I would take spring creek to midway and then take midway all the way there, always noting how restrictive a 35 mile per hour speed limit felt and disregarding it every time.
Five times my car was pulled over and five times I walked away unscathed, much to my luck. It seems that the police didn’t think my car flashy or fast enough to ticket, just to harass.
And in the end one ends up hitting me and killing her. What are the odds?
All of this came to my mind as I sat in my car today. I looked at her dashboard, still slick from being cleaned last Friday. The stick shift where my right hand normally rested was there, begging for one last shift. The thought crossed my mind to start the car one last time for old times sake, sort of a goodbye kiss, but no luck the keys that I possessed were not enough to resurrect my wounded car from its grave. It just sat there, frozen the same way I left it Saturday night. And that is when it happened, that is when I cried.
It might seem stupid to cry over metal, but it was more to me. I once read in one of my 7 car magazines that the shine of a dream is only bright to that person who posses that dream, so in effect I do not expect any of you to understand my feelings, my emotions, as much as I do. To my friends it was the “slow-stang” To my parents it was the third car on the insurance bill. To everyone but me it was steel, but to me it was life at its best.
I just sat there in my baby and let my emotions overwhelm me as if a family member died, because in a sense today was goodbye. When I left the dealership today I was leaving my car. The thought of it sitting in a junkyard as people plunder parts off of it makes me sick to my stomach. The picture of it staring at another car’s backend as its last coat of wax burns off in the Texas sun makes me unmentionably sad. But I guess that is the way it will be.
When I felt that I had exhausted the bank of memories to be relived in the car I got out and took the front emblem, side emblem and my license plate off of the car and mentally kissed it goodbye, and assured it that it would always have a place in my heart and mind. I walked into the repair department and released the car to them, and was told that it would be towed out later that day to a junkyard; I guess that is the final resting place for my car. I left there and went to a different Ford dealership where Josh and I talked a car salesman down to a reasonable price on a replacement. And at 9:45 tonight I left the dealership with a White 2000 mustang.
I went and ate dinner with my family and Josh, and then took off for a 45-minute drive in my new car. It is faster than my old car, and it doesn’t squeak when you go over bumps. It has cruise control, so I can now cruise with less work. It has an upgraded sound system, so my music now sounds better. The steering wheel is wrapped in leather, so it feels better, and the seats are made of a better material than my last ones, and don’t have a burlap feeling.
It is a much nicer car than the Rustang, but it isn’t the same and will never hold the same shine in my heart as the other one did. As much fun as 40 more horsepower and a smoother ride can be, it isn’t my first love. The music that its sound system will play might sound better to you, but to me it is nowhere near as good as my deceased car. And when it all comes down to it it wont be as stunning when it is clean. It will also never hold the title of "Rustang", as my previous one did.As Plano as whining about getting a newer car can be, it is all I can do when I am looking at what I lost.
Like I said in my last post, at least everyone in the accident was ok. In the end I guess that is all that matters. And my mom noted that my car went out in a valiant way. People always say that they don’t want to die in some old folks home, but rather doing something exciting. I don’t see getting broad sided at a red light as being exciting, but it is much better than turning into a tired old Junker of a car that it counting down its miles till death.
I guess that as much as I loved that car it loved me back. It was there for me every time I needed it to. It put up with my shit. It didn’t bitch when I couldn’t afford to feed it the best gas. And in the end it saved my life, something that I would do for a best friend in a heartbeat. It took the ass whopping that an incompetent cop dealt it and only gave me a knot on my head, a fate that could have been infinitely worse.
I guess my mom is right on that one, and with that I move to give the title of “man’s best friend” to my car, for in the end that was what it was to me. And a damn good one at that.
:: Tommy 1:46 AM [+] ::
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Quote of the day: “DAMN” -me
Song of the day: “Clocks” - Cold Play
"You Are
Lights go out and I can't be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
You've put me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead (singing)
Come out of things unsaid, shoot an apple of my head (and a)
Trouble that can't be named, tigers waiting to be tamed
You are, you are

Confusion never stops, closing walls and ticking clocks (gonna)
Come back and take you home, I could not stop, that you now know
Come out upon my seas, curse missed opportunities (am I)
A part of the cure, or am I part of the disease

You are
And nothing else compares
Oh no nothing else compares
And nothing else compares

You are
Home, home, where I wanted to go "


Man, what a weekend. It started out great, I went to a party that a friend of my dad’s hosted, and had a blast. This lady puts on this party every Memorial Day weekend, and I always have a great time. She buys about 400 pounds of crawfish, and cooks them all day long. If seafood is not something you have developed a taste for then she is always sure to have a nice spread of brisket, ribs, burgers, hot dogs, sausage, and beans. A little something for everyone I guess. At any rate it was a blast and like always I look forward to doing it next year.
Then it was off to Kate Nanny’s party. For those of you who don’t know Kate she is a friend of mine who went to East. Aside from being one of the smartest and most down to earth people I know, Kate is a really nice person who never seems to take it to heart when I am 30 minutes late :). Back in 8th grade she and I went out for a while and have since built up a nice supply of stories on each other. If you ever see Kate ask her about “the rose”… she swears it is the best story ever. Anyways I went to her party for a few hours, got to meet a bunch of people I didn’t know, and harassed Stephanie for a while. I had a great time and I would like to note that Kate throws a great party.
Then it was off to meet up with some friends at Stacy’s house for her graduation party. Stacy’s party was fun as well, and I am sure that she got a kick out of me sitting there telling her that Samantha looks really nice in her picture. We left Stacy’s party with the arrival of Ben and his newly acquired sound system, and decided that Plano was a good place to meet up.
Once we got to Plano we were quickly told by one of Plano’s finest that we needed to leave, the school was under security observation. Once we left there we found our way to Bueno, where everyone piled into Stacy’s car to avoid the rain. This is where it all gets interesting…
I decided that the rain would probably make my mom worried, regardless of my nonexistent curfew, so I decided to call it a night. I got onto Independence and headed North towards my house. As I was approaching the Spring Creek intersection the light turned red, so I stopped. Meanwhile, a police officer in the southbound lane decided that he didn’t want to wait for the light, so he put on his emergency lights and went through the intersection.
He made it through the first intersection of spring creek fine (the west bound one). But he wasn’t so lucky at the eastbound side. There were three cars at the light. The first two, both SUV’s, saw him coming so they yielded to him. But the poor car in the third lane, a Mazda if I remember correctly, couldn’t see around the other two and when the light turned green she pulled out into the intersection. The police car who was too impatient to slow down for the intersection, much less stop, hit her front end doing about 45. His car ricocheted off of hers and came across the intersection straight into mine. The impact drove his little reinforced grill guard about 2 and a half feet into the side of my car right by the door and the wheel well. The force was so great that it pushed my car into an SUV next to me, and subsequently the SUV into another smaller car next to it. My head hit the door window and gave me a minor concussion. The airbags, which are saved for only the direst of accidents, didn’t deploy since it wasn’t a head on collision; too bad, I wanted an airbag burn. The door came so far into the car so fast that it broke the phone in my left pocket into two pieces against my hip.
Thanks to the wonderful knot on my head, and the byproducts of its production, I don’t remember much of what happened next. I do remember flailing around for about 20 seconds because my head hurt. Then I had the great thought of “maybe if I sit really still I’ll pass out and it won’t hurt”, which didn’t work. The next thought that sprang into my adrenaline-powered mind was to get out of the car incase it blows up, and to see if the everyone else and the officer were ok. I don’t remember getting out of the car through the passenger’s side, but I had to, it was the only part that still worked. My car, smack dab in the middle of a Ford sandwich, had the Crown Victoria on the driver’s side, and the explorer on the passenger’s side.
Once out of the car I went over to the cop car and looked into the window, I saw that the airbag had deployed, but I didn’t see the officer. Perhaps one of the best arguments that I have in my favor for having a concussion is the fact that I actually thought at the time that the vehicle didn’t have a driver. “DAMN,” I remember saying “there is no one driving the car, what the hell happened”. The rest is a blur, peppered with the images of a man who was nice enough to stop and help, most likely he was in one of the SUV’s, and the presence of the lady in the small Mazda, the girl in the explorer, josh, my mom, and the Plano Fire Department. I remember asking if they were all ok after the accident, once I realized that the officer was alive and present and attending to the girl in the Mazda that he hit. And I remember thinking that I had forgot something, looking back it all seems as if the night blended together, and that is why I couldn’t place specific things about the accident into place. We went to the impound where they towed my wounded car to get my prom pictures out of it (the door was busted in several pieces, and the window was about 6 inches from the sill letting water in the car). Then I went home and slept like crazy.
Today I went to the impound 2 times to look at the car. I am incredibly lucky; the police car hit 1 foot forward of where I was sitting, making a mess of my foot well, but sparing my body. The body panel is so far in that it covers the clutch on the inside. On the outside you can see where his great grill guard perforated my body panel, decapitated my mustang emblem, and bent my wheel completely sideways. The passenger’s side, which had made love to the Explorer, was less messed up, but busted nonetheless. My once beautiful car has been reduced to a pile of scrap because a damn police officer didn’t have the patience, or the sense, to wait at a red light. Instead, he turned on his lights (a nice trick I have seen them do on several occasions) and came through the intersection without even thinking of slowing down for cars that wouldn’t see him.
His arrogance cost me my first car; the car that always has several layers of wax on it and has been kept in good condition by the labor of my hands. The car that I got 2 years ago when my parents surprised me with it. The car that I put 27,000 miles on in the first year and a half. The car that I learned to drive stick in. The car that I loved and cherished and tried so hard to keep pretty. All of my work is down the drain because some Plano government paid asshole with a lead foot and nothing in the way of common sense and decency decided that his time was worth more than mine, and everyone else at that intersection.
And the police wonder why people hate them. It is because they think that they are better than every one else. Yes, the do put their lives on the line daily, but does that give them the right to endanger others? My friends and I have followed police officers doing 55 in 40’s without lights on and have even managed to take a picture of them doing so. When I asked a lawyer who came to our school about what I would do with such a picture he told me that it wasn’t even worth my time to try, the Plano police internal affairs division would just sweep it under the carpet. And because of that they feel that they can pull stunts like last night and get away with it.
As far as for blame, I believe it will be placed on the girl who pulled out. The first ambulance that showed up whisked the officer away for “liability reasons”. The police that arrived on scene didn’t even take a statement from me, but rather took it from the one person that stopped and settled with that. I have little doubt that the officer in the wreck will get to fill out the accident report brushing over the fact that he was speeding in heavy rain, brushing over the fact that he didn’t even slow down. All it will say is that the girl didn’t yield and because of it she will be forced to pay for my car, the cop car, her car, and the explorer.
For what it’s worth I plan to go down to the station this Tuesday and make an official statement in the girl’s favor; Ill be damned if I am going to sit here and let them pin this on her without a fight.
I guess that in the end there are three ways to think about it: I could imagine what would have happened had I been on a motorcycle. I could wonder how bad it would have been had he hit 2 feet farther back on my car. Or I could just roll with the punches and accept that I am lucky.
I loved that car and it almost brought me to tears today when I saw it sitting in that impound lot, front end sandwiched and beat to hell. But in the end it is only metal. The thought of driving it again makes me unhappy because it is soaked on the inside and smells like mildew. On the other hand, it they total it then it means that the car that I have come to love like a favorite stuffed animal will spend the rest of its life in a salvage yard and all that work I did to it to keep it smiling will be wasted. In a matter of 5 seconds, 2 years worth of work vanished like NASA satellite into mars. The paint, which was peeling in strips off of the impact crater, was perfectly shiny and smooth from my recent waxing of it. All of that gone… all of it.
Like I said, we are all lucky that everyone was ok, but this leaves an incredibly sour taste in my mouth towards our city’s police department and for what it’s worth I hope the air bag and steering wheel broke the nose of the asshole police officer that did this. At least while I am crying over the murder of my first love he can be crying that his nose will always be fucked up. Retribution is a bitch, but so is being hit by a car while being stopped at a red light. I guess the irony of it all is that I try so hard to avoid the police to start with and one of them ends up planting his cattle bar in my door panel. What are the odds?
:: Tommy 4:06 AM [+] ::
...

Quote of the day: "Que sera sera"

You didn’t come today. I watched for you, barely paying attention to my own guests, waiting for your car to pull into one of the entrances. It never did.
It is funny, of all the guests I invited, I thought that you would be one of the one’s that would make it. Why else would you walk out to my car with me to get an invitation? Why would you even bother?
I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt; something probably came up. I know you are a busy person, but you said you would.
I guess that is a good enough hint as any. What chance would I have with you if you wont even come to my party once?
Oh yea, I had bought you a gift too. Nothing big, but something I saw yesterday while shopping for my brother and thought that you might want. It was in my car; I was hoping to catch you as you pulled in and give it to you, but I never got the chance.
I guess that is my answer, funny how it always turns out this way.

:: Tommy 9:24 PM [+] ::
...

Quote of the day: "Attraction is the most contageous disease that we know"
Song of the day: "In this Diary" - The Ataris
"Here in this diary,
I write you visions of my summer.
It was the best I ever had.
There were choruses and sing-alongs,
and not a spoken feeling.
I'm knowing that right now is all that matters.
All the nights we stayed up talking
and listening to 80's songs;
quoting lines from all those movies that we love.
It still brings a smile to my face.
I guess when it comes down to it...

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters
is just following your heart
and eventually you'll finally get it right.

Breaking into hotel swimming pools,
and wreaking havoc on our world.
Hanging out at truck stops just to pass the time.
The black top's singing me to sleep.
Lighting fireworks in parking lots,
illuminate the blackest nights.
Cherry cokes under this moonlight summer sky.
2015 Riverside, it's time to say, 'goodbye.'
get on the bus, it's time to go.

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters
is just following your heart,
and eventually you'll finally get it right."

It has been over a month since my last post, and yet there hasn’t been anything that I feel compelled to share. Or should I say, is safe to share. Tonight’s post is going to be a hodge-podge of stuff, pretty much everything that has been going on lately all in one long ramble.
To start it off, I haven’t been in to climb in forever. Pretty much I have gone 2 times since I came back from the trip. THAT is depressing. I can still do fingertip pull-ups, but I can only do about 13 pull-ups in one sitting… quite a drop. I need to get into the climbing gym more often.
And speaking of climbing, I recently purchased enough camping equipment to house half of out army, I’m preparing to a huge trip somewhere with camping, biking, climbing, boating…. We’ll see if it all works out. It seems as if the same law of human psychology that makes SUV’s so popular (that being of the “I know I don’t need it now, but what if I need it sometime” phrase) has brought me to buy a huge tent and enough supplies to house and cook for 8 people. We’ll see if I can find that many people to commit to a trip at the same time.
My two proms were a blast. Plano West’s was great and I thank you Stacy for inviting me. I can’t tell you how much fun I had, and I would do it again in a heart beat. Ill practice my “white man head bob” for the next time I dance ;). And as for Plano’s prom, it was just as fun. I am so happy that my prom worked out for the better. Rachel looked so beautiful in her dress, and I was so happy to be able to dance with her. And in the end, watching Alan try to do the Miranda dance was classic, but I must say that she does it better.
School is almost out, which is actually more depressing than happy in my opinion. I’m ready for college, believe it or not, but I am leaving behind some people that I would rather just live it up with, but I guess that is what summer is for. All in all, im ready to go, but I still have one foot in the door.
Speaking of leaving it seems as if my parents have finally decided to build a pool in our backyard. It figures that they would wait till the year I leave to get a pool, a pretty cool one at that. Ah well, once again that is what summer is for.
On to the most important thing in my life at the moment. I have recently fallen for a girl. A girl that I probably have no chance with at all, but I am drawn to try anyway. I met her this year in one of my classes and spent the entire first semester sitting across the room from her and wondering how anyone could be so beautiful. Then at the beginning of the second semester we have become friends. We have talked every day since then and I have slowly become aware that she is one of the coolest people that I have ever met. She has done SO much with her life at such a young age that I wish I could be able to lay claim to some of the things that she does.
In the end, I am head over heels for her, but I have also become aware that she is way out of my league. Thus presents the ultimatum: what to do. I have found someone who is beautiful in every aspect possible and makes me smile every time I talk to her, but every word I mutter brings me closer to the realization that I can never have her. Like a fly drawn to the sun.
If you knew her you would know why I am the way I am right now. When was the last time that you talked to someone about what cartoons you watched as a kid, or about how you had a fort or space ship that you built? Or how about the last time you were so taken aback by someone’s beauty that it was all you could do to say hi? Or how about the last time that you looked forward to going to class every day just to see this person smile?
I don’t know what to do guys. I haven’t a clue. I am so afraid to touch this Pandora’s box of emotions, this mousetrap of possibilities; that I don’t know what to do. I would bet every penny to my name that I haven’t a chance with this person, but just as I am compelled to drive my car every night I am compelled to give this the good old college try.
So in the end, I am open for suggestions. Step right up folks, place your vote. Spend the rest of my life wondering what could have happened and spare the heartbreak, or step up to bat and take a swing at a ball that I could never hit. Damn it hurts to make the decision.


:: Tommy 12:31 AM [+] ::
...

Damn man. Today was too close. I almost lost my best friend in a motorcycle accident. In the end he is just beat up and shaken, but had he been 3 more feet foward, he would have been ran over. Whats more, had he not been wearing a helmet he would be a vegetable.
Josh, you are my best friend and my brother. You are larger than life and I thank god that you were able to leave the ER tonight on your own two feet instead of in a body bag. Let this be a lesson to all of us that we aren't invincible and that our actions do have consequences.
Take care man and have a speedy recovery.
:: Tommy 1:12 AM [+] ::
...

Quote of the day: "It is one thing to walk with blind faith, but a foolish to walk with your eyes closed."
Song of the day: "If I die" - something coporate

A train crashed
And everything slows down
I was wishing I could get out of this town
These dreams we've had
Have never made you cry
And I am not a twinkle in your eye
But I've got to get out of here
Cuz you drive me up the wall
I've got to get out of here
Cuz I can't stand to fall

And If I die
see you won't be so close to me
And I won't be the one
Who sticks around
If I'm awake
see you won't go to sleep, I promise
And I won't be the one
Who lets you down

Tailgates, long talks
And your superficial friends
Shiny, silver Fords
That lead us to dead ends
And I said do you lick these salty wounds
That you, yourself condone
I sit, wait, and I'm all alone
But I can't go home
'Cause you're my home

If I die
see you won't be so close to me
And I won't be the one
Who sticks around
If I'm awake
see you won't go to sleep, I promise
And I won't be the one
Who lets you down
No, I won't let you down
No, I won't let you down

Tell me where you are tonight
And is everything alright?
Do you remember what I said,
While he's sleeping in your bed?
tell me now you Smile hard
cuz i don't smile much so far
And is he everything you need?
Is he everything I couldn't be?
Does he make everything match better?
Bring you all the shiny weather that you want
And is he everything
everything I'm not

And If I die
You won't be so close to me
And I won't be the one
Who sticks around
If I'm awake
see you won't go to sleep, I promise
And I won't be the one
Who lets you down
no, I won't let you down
no, I won't let you down
I won't let you down
I won't let you down


Well, lets see, what will tonight's ramble/ post be about? I have no HW and a mind lost in thought. Today has been one of those days. I am sad to say that I had my first "accident" today. I have gone a year and 5 months without getting a ticket or hitting anyone and today, of all the wonderful beautiful days, I decided to end that winning streak. I did so by "Littlefoot plinking" a car in the Plano lot. It wasn't that bad, no damage to his car, and only a cracked headlamp on mine. I skipped comp sci (a class that I have decided is not something that needs to have an impact in my life) to take it to the dealer and have the headlamp replaced for 70 bucks. Then I went home and buffed out the majority of the scratch that was on my car. I would like to say that the person that I plinked could not have been any cooler. He said that he couldn't even find the damage (I left my phone number on his windshield) and that since he is replacing his car in a while anyway; there is no need to make something out of nothing. I can’t remember his name, but I want to say that I admire his patience and his ability to be so forgiving.
Needless to say that I was pretty pissed on my way to get my car fixed. Of course I was only mad at myself, not trying to blame it on anyone, but I was just kind of disappointed in myself. I wasn't paying attention and because of it I hit someone's car. But it wasn't until I talked to my dad that I saw things in a different light.
I am lucky. I am very lucky. I was being pissed off about scratching my bumper and cracking a headlight. Cosmetic things that are easily fixed with some plastic and some elbow grease. I am lucky that my accident occurred with me doing 5 miles an hour in parking lot as opposed to 75 on a state highway. I am lucky that the thing that broke was a 70 dollar piece of plastic as opposed to someone's neck as my car as I hit an embankment doing 60. All in all, this can be seen as a blessing. I feel confident about my driving. I still have yet to have a major accident, and I have successfully avoided numerous ones that weren't my fault. But this only helps to keep me alert, to show me that I might have let my driving slack off. Some people aren't as "lucky" as me and their mental check-up comes with something that leaves airbag burns and bruised ribs.
When I get mad, I find ways to release my anger. Usually that means that I wash, and depending on how mad I am, wax my car. But today I had no car to wax, so I had to let my mind wander to blow off steam. As I allowed my mind to drift off to thoughts on this previous weekend's excursion to the Wichita’s to rock climb, my mind centered on thoughts of Saturday night. After a good meal and a long day's worth of climbing, we walked around for about 45 minutes, and then found our way out the front of the camp site and onto the "main" road. We walked about a quarter of a mile down the road to a turn in and laid down on the side of the road, looking up at the stars.
We then engaged in “higher level man talk”, talking about everything from religion, to the universe, to weather or not we actually made it to the moon. And I learned a lot about my friends and their views that night. I also learned that there are some things that are best left alone, for discussing them leads to a war of foundational beliefs.
I speak of religion on that note. It seems that religion and science often directly contradict themselves.
Evolution and religion have stood against each other since they were first posed as topics. Science has all but proven that we were once monkeys, fish, and even single cell organisms. Yet religion in the majority of its forms, still says that someone or something greater placed us here. In the past religion has been a prime key for segregation. People all believed in something and shunned the unlucky ones that didn’t go by the rules. People didn’t know a lot, and thus chocked everything that they couldn’t understand up to something greater. Greeks and Romans even went so far as to name gods for everything from the sun, to death, to flight. They filled in the gaps of what they didn’t know with stuff that made sense, and in the end they got along fine. They didn’t know that the sun is a massive ball of hydrogen, so they called it “Helios” and decided that it must be a god. They didn’t know that the ocean moves because of gravity, temperatures changes, convection currents, etc, so they decided that a god named Neptune was at fault. But in the past few hundred years scientific breakthroughs have shown us that the sun doesn’t evolve around the earth but rather visa versa. The oceans have current for a slew of reasons, none of which being divine necessarily. Hence science is always picking fights with religion and in most cases science, and consequently logic, wins.
And off we were to discuss the topic of god under the beautiful night sky of Lawton, Oklahoma. As for everyone’s views on the topics, I think that I have no right to speak for the other people who engaged in the topics, so Ill just kind of touch base on what was said.
The inevitable argument that what we have today is part of a “big bang” as opposed to god granting us all that we see was debated. The people present had views from every part of the science/religious spectrum. One of us believed unconditionally that god has made everything that we see before us. That evolution doesn’t work and that each of Darwin’s 14 finches were made individually by god. He represents the far extreme of direct religious beliefs. His entire life he has been raised on those principles and thus that has become his mindset. All of this is totally respectable and is his personal view.
Another one of us believed that there is a god, but that his role in our life isn’t as total and complete as the other mentioned person. He believes that we have evolved, but that something had to kick off the big bang. He did believe that there was something out there, but he wasn’t sure what. He, I feel, represents the middle of the religious spectrum, and he also shares views with the majority of confused “closet philosopher” teenagers. Not quite sure what to believe, acknowledging that there is a god, but not quite so quick as to turn his back on what science has to offer. A mind open to answers for a billion and a half questions, and ready to draw his conclusions from what he thinks makes the most sense. In a sense, a teenager.
I fall along the lines of the second person. I do believe that there is a god out there, but I don’t believe that that we were placed on this earth, as we are, by god. Everything that we see points to the idea that we have evolved, and we are still evolving. I think that it is arrogant to close your eyes on all that has been discovered on this planet, and devote everything you own to something that cant be proven. Faith is one thing, but not allowing yourself to entertain thoughts of what has been proven is another.
And here is where I learned something that I will never forget. I cant judge the first mentioned person on his belief system. He has been brought up his whole life believing that. It is the foundation upon which his life was made up. And trying to tell him that we have evolved is not going to get anywhere because it makes no sense in his mind. A parallel that one could draw would be to take 2 kids at birth and separate them. Teach one that 1+1=2 and then base everything that he knows on scientific theories based on that principle. Then take the other one and teach him that “triangle + apple = house” and base every bit of his knowledge on that. Then when they are 18, put them in the same room and try to have them come to an agreement in their beliefs.
The point is that it wont happen because both of them will be speaking different languages. Neither of them will be able to agree on things because doing so would mean cracking the foundation upon which they were raised; changing everything that they have ever believed from the ground up. And that is why religion and science will always butt heads. It is foolish to think that one day every scientist is going to disavow everything they have learned and believe unconditionally in god. On the other hand, it is equally foolish to think that one-day every bible reading Christian is going to put down his book and see what has been discovered in the past four hundred years.
In the end, I laid there looking at the thousands of stars and listening to my friends try to change each other, occasionally throwing in my side of the argument, and realizing more and more that out of everything there is in this universe, it is incredible that we have found each other and live under the same sky. Life, in itself, is a miracle no matter how you think it started. The fact that every day, millions upon millions of things happen in each of our bodies to make us live is unbelievable. What’s more the fact that we live in relative harmony with each other each day is something that I think has to be blamed on a higher power. We might never find out what makes us tick, or if there is a god, of if we aren’t just part of some miniscule grease spot the underside of something’s shoe. In the end all that really matters is what we do with our lives.
Beliefs aside, I think that that the most important thing that we can do with our lives is to make the most of every minute, never pausing to let regret or remorse take place. Who knows if there IS a heaven, or if we will go to it when we die. What would you do if there weren’t one? If you had devoted everything that you have done in your life to getting to this mythical place, and then found out on your death bed that it doesn’t exist, then your last breath of life would also be your most depressing one.
Do what you want with your life. I know that I am not going to let anything get in the way of making the most of mine. In the end let’s see who is the happier person.


:: Tommy 11:04 PM [+] ::
...

This is going to be a short post, but I promise that I will write somethiing more substantial in the near future. I was "blog surfing" through my list of links on my page, and I came across a certain person's blog that has now confused the shit out of me. Suddenly, I am listed twice in a post that, while it says it is not to be taken heavily, has a personal undertone in it.
What has me confused is the fact that I thought we had burried these feelings and what not several months ago. Now you are bringing up a fight that we had at a time when neither of us was at our best? Im confused as to what would make this bit of past surface, and why you would feel the need to include me in something that I had no knowledge of being part of.
I am not asking for anything, because I am still confused as to what would make you feel the need to do this, but for what it's worth, you have me lost.

:: Tommy 2:55 PM [+] ::
...

Have you ever had that feeling where you are reading a book, and while your eyes are moving along the page, nothing really is getting to your head. It is as if you understand each and every word that you are reading WHEN you read it, but when you get to the bottom of the page, you are confused as to what the hell just happened and how you got there.
I feel as if my life is becoming more and more like this scenario. Where as I feel as if I am living up each moment I am alive, when I step back and look at the broad scheme of things I am confused as to what the hell I am doing, and where I am going. Rest assured that I haven’t felt this good about myself and my life in a long time, but I feel that I am running in place. I feel like I am doing things with no bearing.
The thing is that this is the first time in my whole life that I have been like this. Not that I have been a poster child for living my life up to the fullest extent possible, but for once I don’t feel as if I have a purpose. When I am in the moment I feel as if I am working for something; trying to accomplish something. But when at the end of the day, when I lay in bed, I no longer have a mental gauge to “measure” my productivity. I used to lay in bed for a few minutes before I went to sleep and let my mind drift off to the mental picture of what my daily labor might bring. Like gazing into a crystal ball trying to imagine what I might some day accomplish. Then I would let myself go to bed feeling fulfilled, feeling like that day got me one step closer to what I wanted to do, one step closer to what I wanted to be.
Now when I lay in bed I feel like I have done just as much work as I previously did, but I am no longer trying to hike up some mountain. I sit there and try to imagine, as I used to, where all of this is going to lead me, what the fruits of my labor will be. But I no longer have something that I am working towards, a benchmark to see if I have accomplished anything that will put me one step closer to ANYTHING. I no longer have anything that I look at like that. And I am not sure what to think of that.
Think of it like this, I feel that I have been funning full speed towards my senior year just to grow up, to be mature… and now that I am getting here it is as if I am just coasting to the finish line. And I am tired of this, but I am not ready to leave. So in a sense, I am stuck.
I want a change, I need a change, I have exhausted all that there is to do here. And I know that that change just happens to be college. I figure that this is prolly at the top of everyone’s mind that is in my situation. College is just over the hill. But take a second and think what that does to us…
We wont see 90 percent of these people ever again. Your friends, your acquaintances, all of them will be taking off in different directions across the country the second that that bell rings May 23. No longer tethered to anything, who is to say where they go. And that is all great, but damn, that is a drastic change. Just think, a few years ago you thought that Plano was huge, then you got a car and it seemed that Dallas, your new possibility of a domain, was huge. Now you are leaving, now you are an adult; you are relied upon to act as one, to be one. For the past 18 years you have been given some leeway, but the second you step foot out of here you are on your own. You are free to make your own decisions, to choose who and what you want to be. And when it all comes down to it, I guess that this change is just going to take some getting used to. I’ve been so used to being a kid that the thought of being “grown up” and on my own is a bit too much. I can’t wait to go off to college and do what I want to do, but this new sense of freedom is new to me.
Like I said, I want a change, I want a purpose that I want to work towards filling. I am tired of coasting, this just isn’t me. While I live every moment, and I am making the most of what I have been gratefully afforded. I am tired of reading this book yet not understanding a single word I read. I miss the feeling of laying in bed and dreaming of what is to come with my life. And if that means that that is a “phase” in my life, then I refuse to believe that.
I guess I just need to figure out what I am doing, I hate reading without understanding it. So, will someone please tell me the title to MY book?

:: Tommy 1:15 PM [+] ::
...

Quote of the day "Some day the mountain might get him, but the law never will"
Song of the day: "Stealing tommorow"

"I see through you
More than you do
You abuse me
And confuse me

But you don’t see
This fight’s for me
And come tomorrow
You’ll feel my sorrow.

But tonight
Lets live it up
And we’ll feel no sorrow
Lets make the most
Of what we have
Because baby, you stole my tomorrow

Lets cut the shit
I don’t have all night to play with this
You know what we have to do,
Me and you

Where do we stand?
Time and love go hand in hand
But come tomorrow
You’ll feel my sorrow

But tonight
Lets live it up
And we’ll feel no sorrow
Lets make the most
Of what we have
Because baby, you stole my tomorrow

The music’s playing
And you’re still saying
That you love me
That you need me

But I’ve heard this
Your personal bliss
Come tomorrow
You’ll feel my sorrow

But tonight
Lets live it up
And we’ll feel no sorrow
Lets make the most
Of what we have
Because baby, you stole my tomorrow

This one’s over
The moon dips lower
The sun has begun its rise
The shifting of the tides

Soon you will see,
What you have done to me
It’s tomorrow
Feel my sorrow

Last tonight
We lived it up
And we felt no sorrow
We made the most
Of what we hade
Because baby, you stole my tomorrow"


“Be yourself”
Chances are that you have either heard this saying being said to you, or you have dispensed this information to someone at one point or another. What does it mean, really, to be yourself?
Well, by definition I believe that you are whatever you want to be, whatever you want to make yourself. You are what you are and the only things that can change this are your actions, the way you carry yourself in life, and the decisions that you make.
So who is really to say what you are? Does anyone really have the right to tell you that you aren’t being yourself, when in fact you are exactly what you want to be, what you make yourself be?
If you keep up with any reviews regarding music recordings, you will know that one of the harshest things that people usually say about a certain band’s “latest album” is that they aren’t “sticking to what they are”, or that they aren’t “being themselves”. Take Green day’s songs, “Good Riddance”, for instance. This song, which to some is one of Green Day’s finest works, took heavy flak for straying from the band’s punk grass roots. Even though the song is great, and has become one of the band’s most recognizable hits, it was criticized for not being similar to what the band mostly played.
Could a parallel be drawn here? If you look closely we see that the band had tried to do something different, to be something different, and the result was a wonderful song, but one that came laden with criticism. People were willing to look straight past what the band had produced, and decided to focus on the fact that they “weren’t themselves”.
My point is this: who is to say what does or doesn’t define the band? By definition, we are what we make ourselves, so who is to say that they weren’t being themselves?
The answer is simple: they weren’t what the public, what their audience, wanted them to be. They had strayed from the qualities that had attracted their following to begin with and because of this “heinous” act; their fans gave them flak for it. If you look closely, this applies to any time that “be yourself” is mentioned.
Often, “being ourselves” means conforming to what society likes the most out of you, what society is most used to seeing out of you. This lends itself to saying that often this saying is not correctly used. If we can say that we are what we want to be, then “be yourself” is just a watered down, candy coated way of saying to be something that is subjectively more appealing.
Even if what you are trying to be, trying to become, is better than what you are, people are apt to say that you need to just calm down and be yourself. The choice that you have to make is this, are you willing to let society shape what you are, or are you going to do what green day did and forge ahead and try something different?
I guess it all comes down to your views on society in general, and manifests itself in a choice that you and only you can make.

:: Tommy 3:15 AM [+] ::
...

“I waited till I saw the sun
I don't know why I didn't come
I left you by the house of fun
I don't know why I didn't come...
I don't know why I didn't come...”



It is funny how after an awards program like the Grammies the same song seems to be playing in everyone’s mind. A sort of perpetual drumbeat that drives everyone on in life for just one day. Then with the dawn of another day it is gone, a “flash in the pan” so to speak. But it is odd that for just one day the same thing seems to be on the mind of so many people. You walk down the hall and you hear the song, and have to actually look and see if it is just you singing it in your mind, or if someone else has actually joined you in your mental symphony.
But for some of us, that is a way of life. I know several people, myself included, that constantly have something playing over their mental speakers. A certain song that compliments, defines, or directs their mood and sense of purpose for the day. It is different for each of us, and it seems to say a lot about what we are as people and characters.


“and Ill be waiting, with a gun and a pack of sandwiches”
("Talk show host", Radiohead)

Chetan, for instance, has been playing something from either “Radiohead” or “Smashing Pumpkins”. The beauty of these bands is that they refuse to let themselves be defined as a certain type of music. With tempos and beats ranging from “head banging” fast to “second hand of the clock” slow they manage to cover a vast area of the musical spectrum, and one could find a song from them that would suit any mood or atmosphere. Pretty versatile stuff.

“And I guess that's why
They call it the blues
Time on my hands
Could be time spent with you
Laughing like children”
("That's why they call it the blues", Elton John)

Alan, on the other hand, can be found humming the occasional Elton John love song. And while I think that it is usually a joke, it is pretty funny. Alan has the gift of being an “Olympic whistler”, that is he can whistle pretty well. On the vast majority of the days on can catch Alan whistling anything from “zipedy do da” to “Your Song”. His whistling usually finds a way of becoming a sort of advertising, in the sense that if Josh hears it he usually joins in with the festivities and they take off into an acapella of sappy love songs.

“I can find my way, I can go the distance”
(Hurcules CRAP)

Lets see, Josh sings show tunes and old Disney movie theme songs. And whenever Chetan is around one can hear the occasional “Lilo and Stitch” remark, which is usually followed by a punch to the face. Josh, like me, has a wide range of stuff playing on his mental radio, anything from 3 doors down to James Taylor. But that is an occupational hazard, so to speak. Josh and I both play guitar, so the song that we are listening to is usually the song that we are trying to work on mastering on the guitar. This side effect has people like us constantly listening to something.


“When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand”

Tonight I am broadcasting Norah Jones’s “Don’t know why”. I don’t usually listen to this person, and to be honest I had never heard of her until a couple of days ago, but I think that her song is catchy. Usually Id be listening to something more along the lines of 3 Doors Down, Nickel Back, Something Corporate, or Filter. I have a far-reaching appreciation for music. I like everything from rock to alternative, pop to punk, rap to jazz. In fact I like everything that isn’t country. And I mean that. I am not one of those people who says that they like everything, yet limit what they listen to to a small list. Check any one of my CD’s that I burn and you will find that they start out fast, change into something a little mellowed down, and then end with something along the lines of jazz or old songs.

“Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road alone”

All in all, everyone has something stuck in his or her head at one point or another. I guess what makes us unique is what we do with these tunes. You can play like Chetan and turn them up to tune out other people’s crap. You can let it define your mood for the day, instantly resolving yourself to play to the tune of what is playing in your head. Or you can even channel surf as you pass from one school period to the other. So many choices.

“Something has to make you run
I don't know why I didn't come
I feel as empty as a drum
I don't why I didn't come”

As for me, my mental song has made me tired. And so with the end of that tune, comes the end to another ramble and another day. Take care all, and have a happy snow day tomorrow.

:: Tommy 10:51 PM [+] ::
...

Song of the day: "A long December" - counting crows

"A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said
as you were leavin'

Now the days go by so fast
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...I wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl

And it's one more day up in the conyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California...I think you should

Drove up to the Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower
Makes you talk a little lower about
the things you could not show her

And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And it's been one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean...I guess I should"

Man, what a wonderful day. The smell of prosperity, of progress, is everywhere. Infesting itself in every word we speak, every glance we cast, and every step that we walk. I love this weather and this time of year.
I feel so great, and why wouldn't I? To me this symboizes the passing of two winters, different in their meanings but similar in their concepts. I feel that my life is once again taking aim. I have finally realized what I am, where I am going, and I have cast aside all of the baggage that has been following me around for the past few months.
Damn, what a wonderful feeling it is to be finally back on top your game. Persuing relationships that I pray will come through. Solidifying friendships that I never thought could happen in the first place. Determined to make these last few months make up for the first half of the year.
As abstract as this post is, it perfectly exemplifies what I have been feeling for the past week. When I have time to refine it down into meaningful words, rest asured that they will find their way to this journal.
Until then I want those of you who care to know that I have found someone that I look foward to seeing every chance I get. And while I dont get the feeling that she is sharing the same feelings that I am, I hope that she does in time. We are just going to have to see aren't we?

:: Tommy 5:00 PM [+] ::
...

This post will be short and sweet. I want to thank Emilie for being everything that she is. Never has a person been as forgiving to me as she has, and for this I owe her more than words can express. It is funny how you often find who really will be there for you when the dust settles after the storm. I have 3 people that fit into that category, and Emilie is one of them. Thank you again, for everything.
-Tommy
:: Tommy 2:13 AM [+] ::
...

Quote of the day: "The future comes on slowly, the present flies like an arrow, the past stands for ever still" -Schiller
Song of the day: "So I need you" - 3 doors down

"If you could step into my head, tell
Me would you still know me
If you woke up in my bed, tell me
Then would you hold me
Or would you simply let it lie,
Leaving me to wonder why
I can’t get you out of this head
I call mine
And I will say

Oh no I can’t let you go,
My little girl
Because you’re holding up my
World, so I need you
Your imitation of my walk and the
Perfect way you talk
It’s just a couple of the million
Things that I love about you

So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you

And if I jumped off the Brooklyn
Bridge, tell me would you
Still follow me
And if I made you mad today, tell
Me would you love me
Tomorrow? Please
Or would you say that you don’t
Care, and then leave me
Standing here
Like the fool who is drowning in
Despair and screamin’

Oh no I can’t let you go,
My little girl
Because you’re holding up my
World, so I need you
Your imitation of my walk and the
Perfect way you talk
It’s just a couple of the million
Things that I love about you

So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you

I’m on my own
I’m on my own
I’m on my own

Oh no I can’t let you go, my
little girl
Because you’re holding up my
World, so I need you
Your imitation of my walk
and the perfect way you talk
It’s just a couple of the
Million things that I love
About you

So I need you
So I need you
So I need you
So I need you"

It seems that very few people know the whole story these days. But it wouldn’t make a difference any way. What’s done is done.
I have felt better in the past few days than I have felt in a long long time, but in the same sense, I have never felt the saddest. It seems that some of the most simplistic rules governing physics also reign here in the world of relationship management. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Like wise, for each feeling of pure happiness, there is an equal pang of remorse for seeing what is in the works.
Why must everything be based on drama? Why? Is life not difficult enough with just getting by each day that we don’t need an extra dose of premature, and unnecessary, drama. With so many things working against us as elements of survival, must we have to fight another war on our own home front, in our own backyard?
Why cant things just be simple, open and shut. Yes, I completely agree that the win is not what is important, but rather how you get to the win that matters, but why must this overused cliché be used right when the going gets tough?
Who knows, fatalists believe that everything happens for a reason, where is the reason in this? Where is the logic? Hell, is there any logic to start with? If there is some giant plan, some huge schematic which tells us what and why everything will happen, then tell me where I fit into this.
The people who have paid me the deepest compliments are the ones that have the power to stab the deepest. And stab the often do. I am not without fault, as like I said, every action has an equal and opposite reaction, but why must these things happen?
Every day things are based on the past; decisions are made based on the days of yore. If you take a trip down to your local car dealership you will see droves of cars that look backwards, towards the days where everyone wishes they could return to for just one minute. Cars who are beautiful because of their nostalgic basis; because they want to, beg to, relive the past. And they sell like there is no tomorrow.
If you turn on your TV you can instantly be transported back to the days of yesteryear just by going to a handful of TV stations that look back to the days when things were simpler. Tainted with slapstick humor and full of virgin cast members, they mark a cornerstone of our past; a past that we are proud of and are more than happy to let occupy the thoughts of our idle minds at idle times. They bring back to your mind happier times when life was all about simplicity. The days that people loved.
These venues that offer these reruns of our lives are immensely successful, otherwise they wouldn’t be there. Trips down memory lane are wonderful undertakings, where you already know the outcome of the story before you even start. Where you have all the hindsight that you need, and in most cases the simplistic morals of these stories are already burned into the heads of the dreamers who partake in these journeys.
Tell me then, why this only works in cars and the movies? Tell my why someone could drive a car that looks more to the past than to the future, and rant and rave about how nostalgic it is, yet be ashamed or afraid of their own past. A past that they once held to the highest standard. Tell me how the days of the “Brady bunch” and “Sanford and Son” series can be so sought after, a mental scarcity so to speak with priceless value, but the bittersweet efforts of yesterday are, in many senses, as repulsive as duct tape racing stripes on a Shelby Cobra. Why, tell me why.
People never rethink the eighties, perhaps that is what some memories represent. Times whose purpose seemed to be to filll the 20-year void that led up to the year 2000. Times when things seemed much much sweeter than they really were. Perhaps this is what I represent to some, a filler. A bridge to close the gap from one transitional period to another. No one ever looks back on a 1981 camaro and says, “Damn, I remember the times when premature EPA regulations sapped every bit of power from this car”. The reason is that no one wants to remember times like this. People know they exist, and the memories are just as plentiful as the wonderful ones, but no one wants to go back and relive them. I must represent one of these.
So while some memories bask in the glow that nostalgia is, others get tossed into the back of a closet, a mere memory of their illustrious past, a shadow of their past days of untold glory. People never think twice about these decisions either, why would you spend that time thinking about a bittersweet past when you can take advantage of the future. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, nothing at all. In many ways it is the best thing to do.
My confusion is why, with all the opportunities for time and joy that is afforded to us on a daily basis, you would choose to throw it all away. Especially when the icon that used to be so reliable and steadfast is now the thing that begs to move on. Ready to put the past to it’s back and move on with its future, why would you still associate bittersweet memories with it. Just take what you have and move the fuck on.
I know that this straying from the point at hand, but I am just confused, as most lost things usually are. I know that I am not perfect; in fact I am far from it. But I am human, and the one thing that I have always offered to each and every one of my closest friends is total and complete love and forgiveness. In my eyes, no slap to the face has ever been strong enough to put to rest a friendship. No forgotten date or missed phone call was too much. And while an ‘81 camaro is nowhere near as beautiful as a ‘68 cobra or a 2003 Z4, it will breakdown half as much, and will always be there for you, no matter how much you treat it like shit.
I am just confused, I stand here, overlooking a mountain that I have climbed over the past years, and I used to be standing here with a lot of my friends, now I am here with two people, and the sun is slowly setting. To the people that left this plateau, I am slowly becoming but a memory; a picture that was taken at its worst time, and will always remain that way. I will always be here, for I have yet to find a way to get past what I am. And I envy those who are able, at the snap of fingers, to forget everything that they used to be. People who were pampered by the days of yesteryear, yet are too forward looking and selfish to just lend a hand to someone who lent them a life in a time of need. People who find virtue in being able to instate a part time photographic memory that is built to only tailor to their needs. I am jealous of you all.
In the end, I am just not flashy as a 68 cobra. I am not as fast, not as powerful, and I don’t have the panache that a cobra has. The one thing that I thought I used to have was the infallible title of a first car someone was able to drive. A sentimental nameplate given to the first vehicle that was able to make it all the way home to a waiting adolescent. But it seems that this too is a title that can be forgotten just as fast as a new memory can be made to fill its place. While I once thought that people always held a spot in their heart for this object, as small as it may be, I now find that even a memory as powerful as this easily falls prey to people whose minds are not willing to relive a part of their past for just one minute in the name of helping someone out. It seems that once again I gave more credit to something than I should have.
But for what its worth, I will never forget. I HAVE a memory that is not so quick to put to rest the memories of the hard times, a mind that doesn’t discriminate between what is fun to remember and what is easier to hide. While some of you wish to just pick up the rug and sweep a problem under it so that no one ever has to see it again, I refuse to. I have always believed that what defines a person is how they act under adverse conditions and I refuse to let go of that bit of moral idealism at this point in time.
So go on, disavow the very roots of what made you you. Sweep someone’s past under the rug, it certainly isn’t any fun to look at. Better yet, candy coat it and put it in storage, because like it promised to always be there if you need it, you can turn to it the second you need a helping hand, and the second it starts to open up to you, the instant that it begs for your help in the most evasive of ways, shut the door in it’s face, it has outlived its purpose once again and you are able to see that it really is not as flashy as you thought it was.
I am someone who is always there for people in need, someone who is the first to drop everything and comfort someone at a disadvantage. I have never turned my back on anyone, and have always devoted my life to the effort of making people smile. I am not without my flaws, but you know what, even Shelby made some mistakes when he made the cobra.
But that is not a fair comparison, I guess. No one ever thought of giving back to an ’81 camaro. I mean, why would you waste time and effort on a once noble piece of history, clad in the dents and dings that you put there through out the many times that you drove it, dings that give it the character and personality that it lives with, when you can hop into your new Z4 and drive into the sunset. Wait, I know, it wouldn’t be as fun any other way would it?
-Tommy
:: Tommy 7:01 PM [+] ::
...

Quote if the day: ""Hope is a good anchor, but it needs something to grip" -Pr.

Song of the day: "Just Wait" Blues Traveler

"If you are feeling like you're tired
And all your uphill struggles leave headed downhill
If you realize your wildest dreams can hurt you
And you appetite for pain has drinken its fill

I ask of you a very simple question
Did you think for one minute that you are alone
And is your suffering a privilege you share only
Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

If think I've given up on your you're crazy
And if you think I don't love you well then you're just wrong
In time you just might take to feeling better
Time is the beauty of the road being long

I know that now you feel no consolation
But maybe if I told you and informed you out loud
I say this without fear of hesitation
I can honestly tell you that you make me proud

Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come
Just wait
Just wait
Just wait
And it will come

If anything I might have just said has helped you
If anything I might have just said has just helped you carry on
Your rise uphill may no longer seem a struggle
And your appetite for pain may all be gone

I hope for you and cannot stop hoping
Until that smile has once again returned to your face
There's no such thing as a failure who keeps on trying
coasting to the bottom is the only disgrace"

For those of you who pay attention to the random songs that appear in my journal, you might be supprised to find that tonight's song isn't mine. I was going to write one, as I have grown accustomed to, but I think that this song puts to words my feelings as of right now better than anything that my tired mind could possibly come up with. Lots of appiffamys have happened over the past week and I am still sorting them out, but I am happy to say that my mind is no longer idle, as it used to be, and I have learned that an idle mind is one of the worst things that you can have.
The fact of the matter is that I dont know what I want anymore. My decisions, for as long as I can remember, have not been based on me or my wants, at least not directly that is. I have been living my life for someone else, each and every day tainted with the so called "WWJD" bracelet cinched tight around my head. But sadly to say, Jesus was not the person that was answering to each and every time I had an idle moment to think. I am not goign to go into what any of that means, for to be honest, only 3 people that subscribe to my journal deserve to know; one already does, one will shortly, and the third prolly never will.
I have been doing everything with my head turned to see if someone was watching, and no matter how hard I tried they never did. It is too bad too, becasue I wanted them to be proud. I wanted them to see that I was a man, I was someone that could make something of my life. I was a person who cared, who wanted to make everyone happy. A person who stood up for things, especially for what I am as a person. A person who hated to see peopel being picked on, a person who hated to see people short changed. A person who hated to see people in pain, a person who tried to be as benevolent as possible. A person who was always thinking, a person who watched what he said and did. A person that held value to his word, a person who would never lie. I wanted to be seen as a person who could be a monte cristo. I wanted to win.
This whole time I have been subscribing to the words of someone who wasn't watching in the first place. Striving to be a better person not for me but because I have my sights set on something better. On the bright side, I feel that I have accomplished all of that list but two, on the bad side I failed in the long run.
But what is failure exactly, I cant put words to it, but I know that it has been the thought that has been crowding my mind for the past week, kept company by equal thoughts of closure and relief. The thing is this: I am sad that I lost, but I am even more sad at where I stand as of now. In the quest to fulfill my need I let slip by the one thing that made me me, and I let myself fall into the trap that envy always leads to. Whats worse, I lost more ground than I gained. If you pick up a hand full of sand and cradle it gently, then you will rarely lose it, but the tighter you make your grip the more it slips thorough your fingers. It is this reason that we find that the things taht we want the most are usually the things that are the least accessable to us. The best thing that you can do is to just relax and try to hold on to what you have and accept that you will lose some in the end, for it is innevitable.
The good news is that I am finally living my life on my own. Making my decisions on my own, doing what I want to do FOR me. I am no longer questioning my every move like a man locked tight in a chess match, but more as a man that has a new lease on life and is determined not to make the same mistakes twice. I have already failed once, and I will always regret it, but I refuse to let myself fall prey to the same trap a second time.
It is hard to say what I am feeling right now. Happy to be free. Sad from lieing to myself. Curious to see if this is not just me talking. 20 pounds lighter from finally telling someone. 40 pounds heavier from watching my dream go up in smoke. It is a mixed bag, but a mixed bag that I was going to have to face at one time or another
I guess that in the end I did make something better of my life, it is too bad that was so intent on showing it off that I let myself sit idlely. I am someone that stands up for his beliefs. I am someone that cares for others. I am someone that wants to see people smile. I am someone that knows how to love. I am someone that is determined. I am someone that is unique. I am someone who knows the value of his word. I am someone who wants to be diverse. I am someone who jumps at opportunities. And finally I am someone who has learned that tommorow is another day, and that the only limit to what we are as people is placed on how high we set our sights, and by making sure that we dont place them too high in the rhelm of impossibility.
I guess something good did come of this endeavor, it is just too bad that it took so long. Yes, this did make a pessisimist, as failure usually does, but it made me one with open eyes, something I think is much better than a blind optimist.
I wasn't able to live out the story of the Count of Monte Cristo, and for this I am sad. But I have decided to write my own ending to this story, to make my own story. I have decided to stop living by the chapters in other people's books and start living by the stopry that I want to tell, and I am fully ready to tell make it up as I go.
So I have finally decided to make something of my life for me; so with the keys to my life in my pocket, and a firm grip on the sterring wheel, lets see what I am really capable of. Lets see what I can do. Consider this my victory lap for finally realizing what the world looks like through my own two eyes. I'm ready, and I dont care if you are watching this time around, you haven't been in the past, and I am sure that you wont in the future, but rest asured that the glances I cast over my shoulder wont be to see if you are looking at me but rather to see if you are keeping up.
Its time to see what I am made of; I'm ready, are you?
:: Tommy 3:54 AM [+] ::
...

Quote of the day: "Love is the occupation of an idle man, the amusement of a busy one, and the shipwreck of a sovereign." - Napoleon
Song of the Day: "I didn't know"

"I didn’t know,
That blue was your favorite color.
You always seemed like a green to me,
Young and full of life.

A common misconception,
But an error nonetheless.
To me you were like the dawn of spring,
Not the cold of a winter’s night.

But what’s done is done,
And what do I have to show for it?
Blush in my cheeks, a foot in my mouth.
And an ego with a bruise.
God knows,
I wont make the same mistake again
Can’t spend too much time saying “I’m sorry”,
Ill just say “I love you”.

I didn’t know,
That you didn’t like red roses.
Red is the color of love,
That’s the feeling I wanted to show.

Yet you insist,
That yellow is the color roses should be
I want to tell you that it means friendship,
But I think you already know.

But what’s done is done,
I saw it in your eyes.
The longing for me to understand,
That I will inevitably lose.
God knows,
I need you so bad.
When all you wanted was for me to realize,
I answered with “I love you”

I didn’t know
That you thought that things looked best drenched with rain
You never thought that I looked good
Drenched in my tears.

My heart is overcast,
Dark, but bright enough to hope.
With signs of both rain and shine.
Praying for better weather from better years.

But what’s done is done.
I have been staring at the sun too long
I feel in love,
But I don’t know if I’m looking at you.
God knows,
Sight is overrated any way.
I don’t need my eyes say,
That “I love you”.

I didn’t know,
That you thought I looked good in black
Whenever I think of you,
I’ve come to feeling gray.

Wearing a coat
Of silent desperation.
Watching you look elsewhere,
And envying yesterday.

But what’s done is done.
Ive been kidding myself for years
Trying to look past the fact,
That someday you’d have to choose.
God knows,
I knew it’d be this way in the end
If only I hadn’t grown accustomed,
To saying “I love you”.

I didn’t know,
That you liked the colors of autumn
The changing of the seasons,
And the promise of winter winds.

I've spent all summer,
Playing this game of fantasy
Telling myself that I had a chance
But knowing I couldn’t win.

But what’s done is done,
And damn the weather has grown cold.
The sun is slowly setting
On the life that I chose for you.
But God knows,
This winter is never ending
Will I ever get the chance to say once more,
That “I love you”?

Oh, will I ever get the chance to say once more
That “I love you”?

Last night I woke from a dream that turned into a nightmare, only to realize that I have been sleepwalking this whole time. I knew it was foolish to entertain thoughts like that in the first place, but damn was it nice to think that I could win. I have become immersed in a game that I knew Id never win, a battle that I was the underdog in to start with. Yet when I awoke I found that while I have been sleeping I let something slip away. Worse yet, I let several things slip away. My individuality, certain friends, my sense of purpose; all out the window because I dallied in a daydream that promised to be twenty times more rewarding than it turned out to be. How foolish I was to let my self slip off to sleep right when I realized where I was going; right when my life had finally taken aim.
Last night I realized that I have been driving too long, I have been running too fast, I have been trying to do anything to take my mind off of what I have become and what I left behind. And when I stopped and opened my eyes I realized that I was standing in the middle of a field occasionally occupied by poets and French writers, but vacant as of now. What's worse I am standing 400 yards from where I wanted to be and 400 miles from what I am as a person. And I am standing here alone, partly because no one knows I set out for this destination to start with.
I have only myself to blame for this, for I became caught up in a game that I didn't belong in to start with. Ever since this has started every idle moment that I have had has been occupied by thoughts of this game. Every blank stare has been a front for my constant thinking. And now it's over, where am I now?
I’m worse off than when I started, farther from the line than I ever imagined I'd be. While I strolled off the path I let the weeds grow back and I am now lost. When your mind wants to see something bad enough it has a way of bending reality so that you will see things just as you want it to. I have been looking through these stained glass lenses so long that I no longer know what the world looks like on it's own.
And I don’t know what to do. But Ill find a way. Sure, I had books telling me how to get this far, but they are only books. Past stories of parting seas and mending broken ties all at my side to point me in the direction of where I wanted to head. But I reached the end of my book too early, like a story that should have been dragged out for another 100 pages. Or perhaps this book ended 200 pages too late, who knows? All I am sure about now is that I shouldn't have picked it up in the first place; ignorance is bliss, and hope can be misleading. In my case I thought that my feeble hands could work magic, and after investing all I own, all I am, I have come to realize that my hands can do little more than turn the pages of a novel tainted with stories of false hope. People always swear that others think too low of themselves; in my case I am guilty of just the opposite.
So my masquerade is over, the party ended long before I was willing to submit to it. And my crime of beating a long dead horse has ended up punishing me with this. Who would have known that it would be this way. I want to say this is me talking, but I don’t even know what I am anymore, who I am. Ive been looking at the mirror with a mask on for so long that I no longer even know what I look like. But here I stand, a victim of an Aesop fable long forgotten, and I have nothing to show for it but a stage set neatly with my props.
What more is there to say, I’m lost. I've got to find my way back to the beaten path, god knows I’m not dressed to forge ahead alone. I don’t know where I’m going, or how I’m getting there, but rest assured that I will be the first to say when I find what I am looking for.
-Tommy

:: Tommy 12:36 AM [+] ::
...

Quote of the day: "Ab honesto virum bonum nihil deterret" Nothing deters a good man from what honour requires of him - Seneca
Song of the day "The man of a hundred years"

"When I was crossing the desert I saw a man by the road,
His back looked bode from carrying his heavy load.
I asked the man if I could lend him a ride,
Without a word he bowed his head and stepped inside.
His hands wore the sores of a hundred years of pain
His eyes were weary from watching a hundred years of rain
He wore the sorrows from a hundred years like fleas
He looked like he’d crossed the globe 5 times; once on his legs and 4 on his knees.

He didn’t say much at first but he was thankful,
I could tell.
From the sight of him it was obvious
That he’d been through hell.
The he said “ Ooooo…
I’ve prayed to god to help me in some way
And I believe his way of helping
Was having you cross my path today
I’ve seen the waters from seven seas
Lap against the sand.
But no time more than now,
Have I needed a helping hand.

We started talking and I asked him what he has done.
He said that since he can remember he has been a man on the run.
I’ve done my share of bad things, and seen my share of bad times,
But wondering the earth is better than standing in any welfare line.
I know what it feels like to have it all and lose it on a whim.
I’ve seen three wars, and put to rest hundreds of men.
I know what it’s like to love someone more than life.
And then watch the one you love become someone else’s wife.

But when the day is done
I bow at the foot of my bed.
And I mutter these words
Before I lay down my head.
I say “Ooooo…
God, today I have come to pray,
Please show me some pity
And help me through another day.
I’ve seen the waters from seven seas
Lap against the sand.
But no time more than now,
Have I needed a helping hand.”

His voice had a sincerity that made me believe his stories were true.
From the looks of him he’d seen more than any other man’s been through.
But I thought about it and found that there must be a lie.
How can a man wander the earth and not see any good in his life?
Sure your eyes are sore from watching all the rain.
But soon the clouds part and the sun is out again.
And I would rather crawl the world on my stomach and hands,
Then sit in a desk and push papers to a man.

And when the day is over
And I am about to close my eyes.
I wish I could talk to the lord,
With a soul purged of all lies.
But I say “Ooooo….
I didn’t think my life would be this way,
I haven’t fulfilled my life,
And I’m counting down my days.
I’ve not seen the waters from seven seas
Lap against the sand.
And no time more than now,
Have I needed a helping hand.”

He took a minute and thought about what I’d said.
I could see the look in his eyes, he was tossing it around in his head.
Then he opened his mouth and said something I thought I’d never hear:
“Young man, I believe you are wise beyond your years
I’ve looked at the ground too long, and not gazed up at the sky.
I thought my life was a waste, but now I know it's all a lie.
All my life I’ve been crawling, now it is my turn to walk
It looks like god finally answered my prayers by sending you to give this talk.

Consider your life a success my man,
Today you saved an old man’s life.
And only god knows how much I look forward
To talking to him tonight.
I’ll say “Ooooo…
This whole time I thought my life was a lie.
I’ve been crawling since I was ten,
Now it’s my turn to fly.
I’ve seen the waters from seven seas
Lap against the sand.
And in my last hour of need,
You gave me this helping hand”

Well, today was a blah day. On a good note I got to talk to a friend of mine who recently had surgery on her knee, and strangely enough she is already back on her feet. School crawled by sooooo slowly. I think that a main part of it all would be the fact that josh isn't there. The halls just dont seem to habor the same amount of laughter and sheer disrespect for teachers as they used to. Plus, without him there to disrupt the normal stream of crap that spews from Mr. Coe's mouth, I spent the day sleeping with my eyes open and wondering how long it wouold take before we were dismissed. I wish I had a long and inspirational blogg to post as of now, but to be honest, my mind is just too tired. Ill try to think of something soon, for those of you who care. Until then you will be stuck with my somewhat virgin and misled attempts at song writing and you will just have to suffer through it until something of relative importance, or something tragically conflicting, happens to my life. Good luck waiting it out.
-Tommy
:: Tommy 8:25 PM [+] ::
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